OUT OF BOUNDS By Geary Leason

At the end of Part I of Uslys’ tale, we find him peering into a bottomless pit of financial ruin. After years of monumental overspending, all on borrowed money, to please the voracious appetite of his beloved wife, Sheila Musthavit Gubmint, Uslys is thrown to the credit wolves. His woeful tale continues……

“The final tipping point came when the interest rate on my $250,000 home mortgage, jumped from its two year teaser rate of 3.5% to 8.5%. This immediate increase, coupled with servicing of all the other debts created by my dear wife Sheila procuring any and everything her greedy little heart desired, plunged me into something like a nuclear meltdown with dollar signs.

The Creditors arrived busload after busload, bearing all kinds of legal documents, padlocks, yellow notices, moving vans, pitchforks, tar, and feathers. They took it all – my kids’ bicycles, my lower denture, the recently laid grass sod – each and everything that had a nickel’s worth of value. I held up fairly well while the repossession parade was marching by – going, going, gone! But I was not emotionally prepared when Sheila’s father showed up at the scene and Sheila and the two kids jumped into his car and they all sped away. That hurt! What loyalty!

That was the last time I saw Sheila. Three weeks later we met outside the Court House to sign the uncontested divorce papers. In part it was a fair settlement, since there were no assets to divide after the creditors cleaned our cage. I did agree to pay a reasonable amount for child support to her, but I did blanche over her demand for alimony. The judge was very unsympathetic towards me as he awarded her an amount that was equal to the amount she got from me before the collapse!

My employer, Georgia Pacific, chose not to keep me on. They didn’t have much use for deadbeats. This bad news actually had a good side to it as now I have no way to pay Sheila her court-ordered alimony. She is now forced to live with her parents whom she detests for not giving into her voracious demands when she was a youngster. What goes around, comes around! Amen!

Now, mister, you can understand why I am making my home here under this bridge.” Uslys ends his story here, rises off his chair (an empty five gallon paint bucket), and begins his daily trudge to the nearby soup kitchen.

Upon further consideration of this tale told to me by this homeless, under-the-bridge dweller, I was moved to make sense of this pathetic story and concluded that the characters were representative of some hidden reality. There was a valuable message in this guy’s woeful ballad.

As a result of my masticating I have re-worked this story and set it as an allegory entitled,

“Bridge over the River Draino.” Cast

Uslys Gubmint…………….Our Federal Government Today
Dab Gubmint………………… Our Government before The Great Society
Sheila Musthavit ……….Today’s Electorate
Georgia Pacific……….Taxpayer
Creditors………………..Holders of the Mountain of Federal Debt

The Plot Line: Sheila Musthavit, the Electorate, has insatiable demands for everything Uslys (Today’s Government) can come up with. Sheila loves Unemployment Insurance, Food Stamps, Child Tax Income Credit, Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, Head Start, Free Telephone, Rural Internet, Free TV, Subsidized College Tuition, ad infinitum.

Sheila uses her “charm” or “sugar” (votes) to persuade Uslys to bring home more and more bacon (government entitlements, benefits, programs, and pork). Uslys enjoys his role as hero (Congressman, Senator, or President) and works to maintain Sheila’s favors (re-election votes).

After years of Uslys not paying his debts timely and after repeated, but ignored, warnings, The Creditors, ( Federal Debt Holders) no longer able to tolerate not getting repaid, cease funding Uslys. Georgia Pacific (Taxpayer) fires (votes out) Uslys (Today’s Government). Collapse follows. The Welfare Society is swept away. The story ends as we see Uslys living under the River Draino Bridge.

(Note: This Drama is coming to a theater near you in 2014.)

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