Smedley Stays Behind the Curve
Homer Smedley, one of the Bay’s more unimportant geezers, declared the other day that he finally mastered the technology of the 20th Century, after spending years learning how to operate the myriad of new-gangled gadgets of the 1900s. He spoke of such marvels as the refrigerator, the radio, the toaster oven, and even the TV remote. Confidentally, Smedley avered that he was now ready to tackle the baffling doodads of the new ccntury. (Lots of luck, Smedley).
As Smedley plunged into the 21st Century’s technological abyss, he quickly learned that he was clueless – much like trying to read a Russian newspaper without any previous language classes. The vocabulary of this new era was either totally incomprehensible to him – or worse – completely misunderstood, leading him down many dark alleys gaining him absolutely no headway in his quest for modernity. It is easy to see why Smedley has flounderd so based on what he reckoned for the terms of the 21st Century technology:
4g network – a TV channel like CBS featuring g-rated zombie movies/
Apps – what a person is inclined to do, like raiding the refrigerator at night/
Wifi – short for why fiddle with it?/
Download – when a person grabs another by the collar and lets him have it/
Router – a person who beats the heck out of another person, sending his sorry buttpacking/
Uber – a pervasive vegetable, much like kale that grows best near cabstands/
Platform – a place where politicians stand to rant and rave about other politicians/
Twitter – an annoying, meaningless noise made by billions of aggravating tiny birds/
Streaming – having to do with standing in a creek when nature calls/
Social Media – a gathering at the local watering hole when the drinks are on the house/
Right Click – a group of snobby high school girls too good for those left out/
Gigabyte – a large dinosaur known for its high-pitched laugh/
Pdf – initials for People Dumb (as) Foxes, similar to the Tea Party folks/
Google – making eyes at a young chick and hoping your wife doesn’t know what you are up to/
Facebook – also known as the Doomsday book, when all souls will meet their Maker Face to Face as He checks out everything they ever did in His book/
Netflix – a device used in fly fishing that only needs a flick of the wrist to catch a fly/
Cellphones – what inmates use to call their lawyers to get out of the slammer/
Siri – the beginning of a request made to an official, “Sir, I (fill in the blank)…”/
Mouse – a delicious chocolate pudding, a favorite of nerds living in California/
Roku – a Japanese delicacy of uncooked fish (the Roku) topped with garlic and nuts/
DVR – initials standing for Dept. of Vehicle Registration, another government boodoggle/
YouTube -a line from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, “You must decide: Tube or not Tube!”/
Internet – a worldwide criminal gang known for spreading lies, gossip, and mischief/
Uploading – what some people do at Western Sizzler by piling their plates to the ceiling/
Texting – putting into written words what your parents said were too foul to say out loud/
iPod – a tiny 5′ by 7′ hotel room in Tokyo, room for only you and i/
Kindle – cuddling up with a close relative who, in most cases, is a kin/
Needless to say, Smedley needs help: just plugging something into a wall socket is no longer sufficient for Smedley’s hopes of joining the Milleniums. Fortunately, his grandson Irving Smedley, a recent graduate of MIT, is coming for a visit. Smedley has high hopes. We’ll see.