Last week, north-central Arkansas experienced a thunderous groundswell, shivering many a timber! This unnerving event was soon traced to one, Huey P. Smedley, who, while perched on his favorite stool at the local VFW “recreation” center, announced his intention to run (again) for President of the United States of America!
After his failed campaigns in 2004, 2008, and 2012, Smedley figured that 2016 was going to be his lucky number. He reckoned that with some twenty-five guys and gals vying for the Republican nomination, they would all cancel each other out • and with Hilary under a huge cloud for questionable donations to the Clinton Foundation – whatever that is – killing her chances with the electorate, Smedley would simply fill the void and slip in, much like Millard Fillmore did back in 1850.
This column, as usual wanting to educate its reader, arranged for an interview with Smedley to get his platform planks before the voting public before it was too late so as to avoid a possible political nightmare similar to the one when Smedley served as Mayor of the nearby town of Calico Rock. (If you’ll remember, after four years of Smedley’s “leadership,” Calico Rock became known as Calico Stoned and Broke!) To our total amazement, however, this time Huey P. Smedley’s platform actually seemed to make a lot of sense, taking a conservative view on social issues, and a libertarian position on the government’s role in regulations, taxes, and spending. Below is a summary of Smedley’s free-ranging positions:
Marriage is strictly defined as one man and one woman, this based on the obvious human physiology and also as ordained by God as well as being the accepted universal societal norm throughout the ages. People with other ideas can call their unions anything they want except “marriage.”
Abortion is totally unacceptable as there’s no justification whatsoever for the taking of an innocent life, in the womb or not. Neither rape nor incest nor “inconvenience” gives anyone the right to kill another faultless human being.
Discrimination, Freedom, and Tolerance is a very dicey area. All people are created in God’s image and have equal worth, no matter what the apparent differences are. There is only one race, the human race, and all people have the same value, meaning and purpose as all others. All deserve the same respect, whether they are fat, short, green, gay, straight, vegetarian, vegan, poor, rich, English, Asian, or Eskimo. However, it is intolerant and unacceptable to insist that a person must, by the force of law, agree to condone, and worse, enhance, lifestyles that are repugnant and ungodly.
Guns in the hands of citizens is a very bad idea. Just read the daily newspapers and see how many senseless murders by gunshot take place every day – in cities, suburbs, rural areasit makes no difference. Smedley proposes a constitutional amendment which would prohibit all citizens from owning any gun that is more lethal than a water pistol.
Governmental sponsorship of gambling needs to go! Lotteries, casinos, and the like, work to victimize the poorest of our people. If people insist on participating in this lose-lose pastime, let it be on their heads alone. How immoral it is for our own governments to milk their own people so as to curry favor for “scholarships” or other goodies.
Finally, Abolish the Death Penalty: While Smedley believes in the principle “that the punishment should fit the crime” – justifying the death penalty, he’s also aware of the hundreds upon hundreds of false convictions rampant in our justice system. For this reason, Smedley says that he can no longer support the uncorrectable punishment of death.