Smedley Goes to a June Wedding
Orville Smedley, a local character known for getting into some very strange situations, fell into another one this past week. Unlike most of Smedley’s disastrous capers that are usually generated by his greed and naivety, this latest one came innocently out of an old friendship. Two months ago, Orville received an invitation to attend the wedding of a son of an old childhood friend from their days as neighbors in Red Neck Valley, Arkansas. Smedley was quite touched that his old friend, Pfeifer Pfunderberg, would not only remember him, but that he, Pfeifer, had enough regard to include him, Smedley, in his family”s celebration set for the first Saturday in June.
Excited by the prospects of renewing this old friendship, Smedley phoned Pfeifer with his acceptance and asked if there wasn’t something he could do to help out on the upcoming special day for Pfeifer’s only son, Phred. Sure enough, Pfeifer said that it would be much appreciated if Smedley could swing by on his way up to the wedding and pick up the cake that had been ordered from the Wedding Cake Store in nearby Pharoah Oaks, AR. “No problem,” said Smedley, adding, “and tell me where exactly the wedding and the reception are taking place?”
“The wedding is at St. Phrancis on Main street and the reception is at the pharmacy/cafeteria of the new hospital, St. Pheromes, just off of Pfister Road” answered Pfeifer “Dress very casual as we don’t want to offend some of Phred’s biker friends. You know how it is these days with the young folks.”
“OK, Pfeif, no problem with the clothes. I’m just so pleased to be invited and to see you after so many years.”
Come Saturday morning, Smedley found the perfect wardrobe for the occasion in his closet pulling out some well-worn denims, a weathered plaid flannel shirt, and a pair of ratty work boots. Certainly, this outfit would not offend anyone. And the truth be known, it was the best Smedley had so, indeed, it was “no problem.”
Early Saturday morning, Smedley pulled his 1983 Ford F150 in front of the Wedding Cake Store in downtown Pharoah Oaks, and soon he was taking in the sweet smell of delicious pastries and cakes inside the store. “Hi!” he announced, “I’m here to pick up the cake for the Pfunderberg wedding.”
“Just one minute, sweetie!” came a snarly voice from behind the counter. “We’re just finishing putting the figurines on the top of the cake. It took us a little extra time to find two bridegrooms and no bride, but we got it done.” Smedley guessed that the two represented the groom and the best man and that maybe the bride figurine would be added later.
Smedley noticed that the icing spelt out Phred and Phil Pforever but he didn’t think too much about it. He was a little surprised, however, by the somewhat indifferent – almost condescending – attitude of the store clerk but he figured that maybe she was having a bad hair day. Heading out of the store with the now boxed cake sitting on the front seat, Smedley’s next stop was to be the St. Phrancis church in Red Neck Valley, about sixty miles east on US 60.
As perchance as it often does, there was a traffic holdup on US 60, meaning Smedley just made it to the church doors in time to see the beginning of the parade of the wedding participants as they headed down the aisle. This was not your average wedding parade, however. First of all the marching music was not the standard Wagner piece Here Comes the Bride, but a Willie Nelson tune, On the Road Again. And instead of one handsome tuxedo-ed man accompanying an organdy-gowned damsel down the aisle, there came six sets of two bikers bounding side by side down the aisle on their way to the front of the sanctuary. The last pair to march were Phred and Phil.
As this last couple arrived up front, the pastor, Phrederica Pfunderbund, entered from the side vestibule, doing a sexy line dance. Pastor Pfunderbund then begun the ceremony by asking the gathering, “If there be anyone who objects to this union, let him now speak or hold his piece!” And that’s when all Hell broke loose!
NEXT WEEK: Love in action.