(Editor’s Note: This newspaper has contracted with Aaron B. Goldfish Publications on a free trial basis to carry their syndicated column “TV Weekly” as written by the well known TV and movie critic, Francis X. Smedley. Smedley has two degrees from Oxford Institute, and a third degree from the FBI. His column is carried by Free Shoppers Specials, Daily Bargains, and Travel Guides – all available at most highway rest stops. This is a sample of what our readers can expect.)
“Greetings all TV sufferers: This column will, if followed carefully, provide you with some very needed relief from the recurring nausea caused by your ill-advised TV viewing habits.
STEP ONE: WATCH NO LIVE TV!
(Adherence to this step is paramount: you will get no relief at all if you do not follow this step to the letter!)
What To Do: Plan out what you want to watch and then enter your selections on your DVD recorder. Then at your convenience, you can enjoy viewing without wading through the sickening morass of all the irritating, boring, stupid, insulting, imbecilic, moronic commercials. Just fast forward past the commercials at 2X speed (4x for the tedious halftime shows.) Learn the patterns of the commercial interruptions so you can click back in without losing any time. This strategy will reduce wasting twenty minutes of your life for each hour watching the recorded program. Yes, twenty minutes of each hour of TV is contaminated by commercials and because all the stations use the same timing patterns, switching channels doesn’t work in avoiding commercials.
STEP TWO: WATCH NO TRASH!
Most of your sicknesses are self-induced. By not pre-selecting your programs, you often end up watching trashy, immoral programs created by the lowest of the sleazy, ungodly producers in Sodom and Hollywood. You often lock into immorality on parade as found in programs such as Bachelor, Bachelorette, and Housewives of AnyTown, USA. Avoid sitcoms which are centered on stupid, junior high plots and peopled by deviants, arrogant children, and doophus adults. Eliminate all so-called “reality” shows which are 99% fake. Add all soap operas to your Do Not Watch list as these are primarily raunchy soft porn bedhoppers.
You must realize that the GIGO axiom, Garbage In – Garbage Out, applies to you and especially so when the vehicle is TV. Do you find yourself so greased that trash is now acceptable to you, that since everyone is doing it on TV that makes it OK? Is it possible that the decline in our public morals and yours is co-incidental to the increasingly rampant immorality featured in so many TV shows today?
STEP THREE: SEEK QUALITY IN WHAT YOU WATCH!
Very acceptable TV programs are readily available through PBS, ESPN, CNBC, TCM, and a few others. Wholesome sports, Great Music, British mysteries and classic movies are all available to entertain you and feed your soul without taint. Some recommendations are Masterpiece Theatre, Doc Martin, Downton Abbey, The Midwives, Sherlock Holmes, Live from Lincoln Center, Shark Tank, The Profit, and American Greed. Caveat: even here, the viewer needs to understand that trash can be found everywhere. For instance, why would any person watch Ultimate Fight Channel (UFC), other than to feed some base taste for violenc? And every one knows that movies most often offer the same foul stuff or worse that is so prevalent on TV.
BENEFITS FROM THIS PLAN:
A clean conscience: by planning your TV viewing, you will no longer have to beat yourself up over filling your mind with trash and impure thoughts. You will avoid that gnawing, empty feeling that you’ve wasted a lot of precious time for nothing of value. You won’t need to quickly change the channel when your wife comes into the TV room. You will find time to read good books, to play the piano, and to write a witty column!