Have you ever been in a public place with lots of people around and you are involved in something that is taking place which is dreadfully embarrassing? There you are with your cheeks aflame, your ears on fire, and no place to hide. This predicament seems to happen to some people a lot more than others. It happens quite frequently to my friend, Rudy Hammerhead, not so much because of what Rudy himself gets into, but because of the company he travels with – namely his wife, Trudy, and her mother, Ruby Klutchberg.
For instance, this scene took place right in front of me at the Clinton McDonald’s just last week. It was around noon and the place was packed. Rudy, Trudy, and Ruby had walked in just a few seconds before me and just before an entire busload of senior citizens was about to file into the Golden Arches. As usual, Ruby told her daughter, Trudy, that she “would have whatever she (Trudy) was going ot have” before she wandered off to the ladies room.
Rudy is usually quite ready when it is his turn to order, having scanned all the signs both inside and out, in case there is a special being offered. Trudy is quite the opposite, never too sure what she is going to have and this is even more so when there is a line of people behind her. And today the line was all the way out to the parking lot. Rudy gave the teenage counter boy his order,
“Special Meal #5. And king size it, please!” And then it was Trudy’s turn.
Counter Boy (CB): “Yes. Ma’am, and what would you like today?”
Trudy (T): “Do you have any specials?”
CB: “Yes, our new home style hamburger is only 99 cents today.”
T: “What’s on it?”
CB: “A slice of home-grown tomato, fresh lettuce, an onion slice, and the usual fixings.”
T: “What kind of a bun?”
CB: “Sesame.”
T: Do you have any other specials?”
CB: “No, Ma’am. I’m sorry.”
T: “Well, maybe I’ll just skip the sandwich today. What kind of soft drinks do you have?”
CB: “We have regular Coke, Diet Coke, Caffeine Free Coke, Dr.Pepper, Sprite, and Root Beer.”
T: “Do you have any Coke both Diet and Caffeine Free?”
CB: “No, Ma’am, sorry.”
T: “What else do you have to drink besides pop?’
The Counter Boy turns around and looks at the menu board. “Let me see. We have coffee, tea, lemonade, and orange juice.”
T: “Do you have any cranberry juice?”
CB: “No. What’s that?”
T: “Oh, it’s a natural juice and it is very good for yeast infections!”
CB: “What is a ‘yeast infection’, ma’am?”
T: “You don’t want to know.I think I’ll just have some water.”
CB: “OK. What size?”
T: “What sizes do you have?”
CB: “Small, medium, and large.”
T: “Oh, whatever is convenient for you, young man.”
CB: “OK, one medium. Do you want ice with it?”
T: “Does it cost extra with ice?”
CB: “No Ma’am. It’s free – with or without ice.”
T: “In that case, make it a large. No, make it two large – one for me and one for my mother.”
CB: “ OK. Anything else?”
T: “No.”
CB: “Do you want this to go?”
T: “Of course! Do you think I’m going to stand here and drink it? And what about my mother, she’s not able to come to the counter!”
CB: “Oh, no! I just meant if you planned to take it with you or were you going ot drink it here.”
T: “What’s it to you, where I drink it?”
By this time the line behind Rudy and Trudy was now trailing all the way across Hwy 65. The murmuring and shuffling of feet was reaching a crescendo. Rudy, of course, was trying to pretend that he did not know this lady in front of him and was looking for a place to hide but there was none!
This scene came to a climax when Ruby, Trudy’s mother, staggered up behind the throng and pushed her way up to where Trudy was standing. “Good grief!”, she cried. “I’m starving to death! What’s the holdup, Trudy?”
“Nothing, mom. Here’s your water and it’s free and we can take it with us this time!”
(This story first appeared in the FFBNews Dec. 18, 2002.)