Surprise! We are already in the midst of another election.; and with a full year to go, I am already a bit tired of all the debates, media coverage and backstabbing that is going on. It almost makes me reluctant to turn on the television or pick up a newspaper.
Just the other night, I was taken aback by one of the comments I heard on the news. The commentator announced that the “average” woman spent twice as much time as her husband studying the candidates and their platforms. Was this statement insinuating that the “average” woman would determine the next presidency? I don’t know.
I began to think about this. Who IS this average woman? How did they find her? Was a contest held? Did reporters lurk outside our homes to observe our habits? Was she YOU? Was she ME? What standards were used?
The more I pondered this thought, the sillier my thoughts became. Politics aside, I drew up my own prototype of the “average woman,” borrowing the format of Mr. Jeff Foxworthy. Let’s see if you agree.
If you have ever lied about your weight/age on your driver’s license, you may be an average woman.
If you have ever spit in your hand to clean a spot on your child’s face, you may be an average woman.
If you occasionally wash only the feet of your panty hose, you may be an average woman. If you’ve ever scraped the side of the car on the garage door and swore it must havehappened in the grocery parking lot, you may be an average woman.
If you have ever re-given a present or wrapped your sister-in-law’s gift (bought at WAL-MART) in a Dillard’s box you may be an average woman.
If you have ever sprayed cologne in your living room when unexpected company was on the way, you may be an average woman.
If you have ever lied to your husband about the price of a new dress or told him, “Oh, it’s one I’ve had a long time. You just don’t remember it,” you may be an average woman.
If you have ever enhanced your bra by the use of Kleenex, you may be an average woman.
If you have ever, half asleep, placed a thick towel over the wet spot in your baby’s bed instead of changing the sheet, you may be an average woman.
If you have ever used Scotch Tape to hem a raveling skirt, you may be an average woman.
If you have ever hidden some of the kids’ Christmas gifts so well you didn’t find them until the following year, you may be an average woman.
If you have ever returned from the beauty shop and cried your eyes out over a new cut, style or perm, you may be an average woman.
If you have ever washed your new red tee shirt with your “whites” and dyed your husband’s underwear PINK, you may be an average woman.
If you have ever used “White-Out” to repair chipped French nails, you may be an average woman.
If you have ever entered a public restroom stall…taken care of things… only to find the attendant had put too large a roll in the dispenser and the paper you COULD peel off was smaller than confetti, you may be an average woman.
If you have ever served your children cereal with water because you forgot to buy milk, you may be an average woman.
If, in a hurry preparing spaghetti for company, you (1) burn the sauce and try to salvage the unburned part off the top or (2) use the pot lid to drain the spaghetti instead of getting out the strainer only to watch 98% of it disappear down the disposal, you may be an average woman.
If you’ve ever declined an invitation to a Home Decor or Pampered Chef party due to being out of town, only to have the hostess spy you in the grocery store trying to hide behind the Keebler Cookie display, you may be an average woman.
If, during PMS, you have ever been tempted to inflict bodily harm on a loved one…you may be an average woman.
If the only thongs you own are those worn on the feet, you may be an average woman (of a certain age)
If, when visiting the doctor, you are careful to place your underwear beneath your outer clothing on the chair, you are DEFINITELY an average woman. Who cares if he is your OB/GYN ? Think about that.
If you are guilty of any or all of the previously mentioned infractions, just take pride in this: You may decide the outcome of the following election! Brenda Miles is an award-winning columnist and author residing in Hot Springs Village and she welcomes your comments at [email protected]
Fairfield Bay News
