After months of serious deliberation and getting severe frostbite from holding his finger to the political winds, Philistine Phil Smedley, mayor of nearby Smedleyville (population 2, Phil and his girlfriend Maude) announced via postcard postage due! to the Fairfield Bay (News? whatever they call the newspaper these days), that he is shutting down his campaign to be our country’s next President!
His postcard listed the reasons for this unexpected shift away from being a viable candidate for national office and back to being mayor of Smedleyville, however dull and unimportant this office is, as follows: one, he quickly learned that he could not out promise Bernie Sanders’ unending list of free things; two, that although he had collected aluminum cans for years as his war chest, he could not come anywhere near matching the millions – even billions that ex-NY Mayor Bloomberg was spending on his campaign; three, he also realized that though he also was a mayor of a small town like South Bend, Indiana’s Buttigieg, Smedley knew quite well his looks (see picture) were at best – off-putting, compared to the boyish face of Buttigieg; fourth, though he tried over and over, Smedley realized that he could not generate the attention-getting nastiness of Elizabeth Warren; and finally, Smedley lacked the empty slickness of Joe Biden, former vice-president of the USA.
Withdrawing from his political effort was not a very big problem for Smedley as nobody gave even one wooden nickel to his campaign so there was no money to return. His campaign literature was/were flyers that he had lifted from the other candidates’ tables, needing only a little white-out to make them work for him. The white-out came from our local library.
What lies ahead for this once very ambitious man who held such lofty visions of being recognized as powerful political voice for those in need of tickets on the Free Train to Happiness, The Bernie Express? Smedley learned much from his aborted campaign that he was ill-prepared to compete
with Sanders, Warren, et al in The Great National Giveaway, not knowing the details of the master plan for the Great Free-For-All Giveaway that drained all the money from “those greedy capitalists, those deplorable one percenters and worse – those .01 percenters, the billionaires!”
Smedley realized he needed to be re-educated and as such he began by burning all of his old college text books, such as Basic Economics, The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith, The Road to Serfdom by Hayek, and any books authored by Milton Freedman. Among many other books and pamphlets that he had to toss on his literary fire were The Freeman monthlies on economics, Robert Bork’s Slouching to Sodom and Gomorrah, The Truth about Tolerance by Stetson and Conti,and finally, The New and Old Testament by God.
He then disconnected Fox News from his TV menu and replaced it with CNN and NPR. He canceled his subscription to the Wall Street Journal and replaced it with the NY Times and the Washington Post. While maintaining his subscription to the Arkansas Democrat he blocked out the columns written by Bradley Gitz, Cal Thomas, Walter E. Williams, Mike Masterson, and Victor Davis Hanson. Only Paul Klugman was acceptable.
Not only did Smedley clean up his mind he knew that he had to work on his body as well if he wanted to become a force in the political world. He went from a total blood red meat-eater to a full out vegan, eating only gluten free, organic produce, and tofu. He eliminated from his diet all caffeine, sugary fruit drinks and diet colas, all dairy – including ice cream(!) , canned goods (salty, you know), chips, cookies, hot chocolate, candy, – and anything that tasted good.
He joined and never missed a session with the Silver Sneakers at the Hart Center. He did twenty one arm push ups and fifty sit ups every morning upon rising at 4 am. He walked his dog four times a day covering at least two mile per trip. He even carried the plastic bag for you-know-what to get in some bending over exercise!
Only a few things remained for Smedley to do to ensure he would that he would be successful in his 2024 campaign: one, was for Smedley to move his church membership from the Smedleyville First Baptist Church to the nearby Universal Unitarian Worship Center in Pipsquawk; and two, that he dump his long time girl friend Maude Mayflower, and marry up with a black hispanic woman who entered the U.S. illegally with her adopted Chinese Confucuian mother and her atheistic Iranian step-father. That should do it.
And if by the slightest chance all this does work out, at least Smedley because he fined tuned his body for three years and had no health issues, he reasoned that he will not have to stand in line for five days like everyone else, to see a doctor come 2024, as by then The Medicare for All as passed in early 2021, will have gone broke.