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The Crazy Things We Did by Doug Nelson

Another friend I had during my formative years was Jean Green. He was of Middle Eastern decent with thick, dark, facial hair. Being part American Indian myself, I was lucky if I had to shave twice a week. If I wanted sideburns, I had to draw them on with my mother’s mascara. Jean had a girlfriend that was of Mexican decent. His beard grew so fast by the time he met Alaina for their evening date he already had a 5 o’clock shadow.
We had heard of this fantastic product that vowed to keep hair from coming back for three days. He bought a bottle of Narre. Poor Jean had the worst sunburned face I ever saw and the advertisement was right. It lasted three days.
Well, the lot of us guys had somewhat of a, how shall I put it, disheveled reputation? It was sometimes hard to get a date because mothers didn’t want their daughters hanging with the likes of us. The only way Jean and Alaina could get together was: Alaina would tell her mother she was going to visit Grandpa in Greenwood Cemetery.
Unbeknownst to us, Greenwood had been vandalized the previous two nights in a row. We each wanted to take our own cars wherever we went. Jean had a 1955 white corvette, I had my 1959 Chevy, Bill had a 1958 Buick Road Master and of course, Gayle had his bug. The whole lot of us pulled into the cemetery single file and stopped at the crematory. Alaina was waiting where she usually did, but so were a dozen of Rockford’s finest. They entered from every opening. I had no idea there were that many ways to access Greenwood. The first thing Gayle did was hop into his VW and make a beeline for the main gate. He said later that he was staring down the barrels of three 45s at the gate.
The cops ordered two paddy wagons to take us all downtown, then called our parents. We were all separated and interrogated for what seemed hours. They asked me why we were there. I told him about Jean and Alaina. Their answer was “Who are you guys, Dracula and his merry band of Ghouls?” All of a sudden I heard my mother giving it to the cops for arresting a group of choir boys. Somehow Mom got us all off with a stern warning, except Gayle. He had to stay overnight, but none of us were booked. After that I always wondered where Mom was when I needed a date.
Aliana’s Mom put her under lock and key and Jean grew a full beard.

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