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OUT OF BOUNDS By Geary (Smedley) Leason

Overseas Travel Agency for Geezers

Geezers are notorious for their many sightseeing trips in the good old USA. It is very common to see busloads and boatloads of them debarking at stops such as Branson, The Grand Canyon, Daytona Beach, Nome and Gettysburg. Geezers also desire to see the rest of the world before their final curtain, being the number one item remaining on their Bucket list. With their clocks winding down and plenty of money still left in their tills, with absolutely no desire to see their money go down the drain if left to undeserving, no-good relatives, the Geezers earnestly seek completion, a closure on their stay here on Earth. They won’t feel fulfilled, free to leave until they have seen the Pyramids, the Taj Mahal, the snows on Mt. Kilimanjaro, Timbuktu, Khartoum, The Great Barrier Reef and of course, the Sistine Chapel. But in this quest the Geezers find themselves between a rock and a hard place: they want to travel abroad but they also want to return alive!

The world has changed dramatically in the last twenty years, complicating the Geezers overseas travel plans. The world, never an island of serenity and safety in the best of times, has, of late, become increasingly a very dangerous place. There is hardly a locale on this planet where ten to two hundred folks aren’t getting bombed or beheaded on a daily basis. The cautious Geezer is not interested in adding to these lengthy casualty lists, so he reasons, why place himself in harm’s way – he’ll just subscribe to the National Geographic and vicariously see the sights from the safety of his back porch.

But what about the adventurous Geezer, not being able to accept such a passive, surrendering stance? He must go. He must see the Sahara, Siberia, Cairo, Acapulco, Damascus, Bagdad and Shanghai before he is history. He is willing to spend his last penny and he has even convinced his wife of sixty plus years to go with him. At the same time, this heroic Geezer is not a fool and feels no compulsion to shorten his stay on earth prematurely, so what is he to do? Fortunately for him, there is Smedley World Eat And Travel (SWEAT) guaranteeing to deliver him safe and sound, both coming and going.

Smedley Travel (SWEAT) originated in WWII as an arm of the OSS and then, in later years, subsumed by the CIA, the French Foreign Legion, MI5 and the KGB. SWEAT’s primary mission was to place and extract operatives in and out of global hot spots. Every tool of this clandestine business was perfected and, as a result, SWEAT has never lost a client! This is what SWEAT now brings to the World Traveling public: a guaranteed GO and RETURN.

For a modest charge of only $10 Big Ones, the World Traveler (WT) enrolls in a one month Traveler Training Course (TTC) held at SWEAT”s campus in Okefenoke, FL. Here, the WT learns how to act, dress and look like a “local” in the target destination. The WT is furnished with suitable wardrobe items, such as a Ghandi type warp-around diaper, turbans, sombreros, headbands, scarfs, loin cloths, sandals and flowing robes – plain or flowery. He is also trained to use makeup, allowing for skin coloration, from brown to yellowish, to style fake beards and mustaches, wigs and even a fake bone thru the nose. In addition, the WT is equipped and trained in handling a curved knife in his turban, a machete, a blow dart, a soukah (pot smoking vessel), prayer rug, an (unloaded) suicide vest and night vision goggles. He is also immersed, via Rosetta Stone, in the local dialects and can speak sing-song upon leaving the SWEAT campus. His wife is also similarly trained, but she doesn’t have to go thru the language training as women aren’t allowed to speak in most foreign locales. (The Geezer is not too unhappy about this).

SWEAT furnishes the final touches with fake ID’s and Passports, throwaway cell phones and prepaid credit cards. For a slight extra fee, they sell bullet-proof vests, and offer travel insurance covering malaria, ebola and HIV. Geezer, unless you are chicken, you are in for the trip of a lifetime and a guaranteed return back to your home. If, for any reason, you don’t get back, SWEAT will refund all your money and even throw in a body bag at cost.

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