A Primer on How to Get Elected
Pierre Smedley, resident scholar of Smedley Practical Political Policies, has recently issued his masterwork on all things political, titled Running Roughshod Over the Opposition. This column feels it is important to review this latest book by Smedley so as to expose the pomposity that Smedley is known for.
In this his latest odorous work, Smedley presents a formula that he claims will guarantee the election of any candidate running for public office if said person will carefully follow Smedley’s principles as summarized by the slogan, “Leveling the Playing Field”. Smedley’s proposal here is that since the vast majority of Americans earn less than $50,000 per year, this huge electoral mass is always looking to get more so they can live like the “stinkin” rich one per centers. These envious folks will overwhelmingly cast their votes for any candidate that promises that he can put more into their pots by “leveling the playing field”
Here are the first five of fifty of campaign “planks,” central to Smedley’s strategy of “leveling the playing field”:
1. RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE TO $35 PER HOUR / SET THE MAXIMUM WAGE TO $35. While the boost in the minimum wage on the surface seems to be an undoable because of the price dislocations caused by the obvious higher labor costs, Smedley says it can work by simply leveling everyone’s wage to the same – $35 per hour. Thus movie star Angelina Jolie, NFL Quarterback Peyton Manning, and all those greedy Hedge fund managers – and everyone else – will get only $35 per hour with anything over that going into the NATIONAL WAGE POT. Money from this pot will be used to subsidize producers so that hamburgers will still cost only $1 at McDonalds and the price of a movie ticket will still stay the same at $8 for a senior citizen.
2. FOOD STAMPS FOR ALL FAMILIES EARNING LESS THAN $100,000 PER YEAR. Why not make a good idea for some apply to most everyone? Wal-Mart and Dollar General are already on board with this.
3. MEDICAL CARE FROM THE CRADLE TO THE GRAVE AT NO COST TO ALL CITIZENS. With medical expenses consuming one-sixth of the U.S. economy, it is time for everyone to be covered for full and free medical services. Just drop in at your local doctor’s office, or the nearby hospital, or your neighborhood pharmacy and get what you need – no money, no insurance required.
4. NO TAXES FOR THE 99 PERCENTERS. No taxes levied on income, sales, and real estate (unless you own property valued over $1,000,000). Social security and medicare taxes abolished. The one percenters, however, will still pay all taxes and through the nose as they should.
5. NO INTEREST, 5O YEAR LOANS UP TO $1,000,000 FOR HOMES , CARS, EDUCATION, AND VACATIONS. Why shouldn’t everyone have a chance at the four bedroom house in the suburbs with a BMW convertible in the driveway!
Here are some “Talking Points” that Smedley created for the candidate to use on the campaign trail when confronted by the rare skeptical voter: when asked where all the money for these stupendous programs will come from, the candidate simply replies, “We can borrow it!” Answer to “from whom?” The candidate responds, “the Federal Reserve and the Treasury are loaded. They have it and if they don’t have enough on hand they can simply print it!” What happens if they run out of ink and paper? The candidate counters, “Then we will borrow what we need from China and Saudi Arabia.”
At this point the candidate directs the campaign band to start playing “Happy Days are Here Again!” and the candidate starts dancing with all his shills and plants gathered around him on the podium.