OUT OF BOUNDS By Geary (Smedley) Leason

(Editors Note: The FFB News has been asked by hundreds of its readers to carry an “Advice” column, much like Dear Abby – but different so as to address the perplexing problems of senior citizens. We have therefore added to our weekly edition the syndicated column, Dear Geezer. The column begins today.)

“Dear Geezer, I lost my dear wife, Willy, after sixty-two years of a good marriage. She died three years ago from getting nailed by a drunk driver. I grieved for two years, but now I am ready to move on with my life. I recently met a lovely widow lady and now sparks are flying. However, there are some problems as we both have grown children who have expressed doubts about Mildred and me getting married. Among other things, these kids are concerned that their anticipated inheritances could change drastically if Mildred and I did tie the knot.
Another problem area presented by a union with Mildred is estate and income tax issues. It turns out that much of Mildred’s pension benefits coming from her deceased husband’s estate will cease upon her remarrying. As for me, my taxes will also rise substantially if there is a change in my filing status. I need help here.
Another area of concern is of a personal nature. I am not sure my ‘equipment’ is good to go as a new husband. My first wife and I quit that business several years before she passed, so there might be a huge build up of rust in my line, if you know what I mean.
Finally, also on a very personal level, I struggle with constipation and I am wondering if you might have some advice for me here.
(Signed) Wally Ledbetter

Dear Wally,
First of all, good for you in deciding to move on with your life after the tough loss of your wife of many good years. By all means, marry Mildred and, the sooner the better, as cheap help is hard to find.
Now for the tricky part: THE MONEY!
The kids can go chase their noses around the block as far as their inheritances are concerned. I suggest you and Mildred spend your money as if there was no tomorrow – which for you, is pretty close to the truth. Living your lives to leave money to ungrateful mooches is not a good idea. Here are some better ideas: take cruises; give big to special charities, like Operation Smile or Feed the Hungry; be a big tipper; go first class; buy new clothes; and tithe, of course. This approach will take care of the estate tax problem as well because if you time everything just right, there will be NO ESTATE for Uncle Sam to confiscate as your last grains of sand fall to the bottom of your clock.
To avoid additional taxes caused by a change in your filing status, marry, but call it a Civil Union. Keep your original filing statuses.
The Conjugal Question: Fugadabutit! Mildred’s “equipment” is in worse shape than yours.
Finally, constipation. I have studied this senior citizen problem for years. There is only one thing that works. Guaranteed. Use only once and you’ll never have the problem again. Insert this product, light the fuse and stand back. You can purchase this single use item at your local feed store: look where they display Dynamite.
Yours truly, Geezer

“Dear Geezer, Wally and I took your advice as we united via a ‘civil union,’ avoiding costly tax consequences. We also gave a bunch of money to our church and several other charities. Following more of your advice, we took some marvelous bargain-priced trips as we cruised to lower Sudan, Syria and Detroit.
Following our last cruise, which was to Antarctica, Wally came home quite constipated. He thought it might have been caused by eating too much penguin meat. After trying all the over-the-counter remedies, which did not work, he went with your recommendation. He is no longer suffering from constipation. Thanks again. His funeral is tomorrow.”
Sincerely, Mildred Lebetter

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