Smedley To Run for Mayor!
A recent arrival to the Bay, Anthony Smedley has filed to run for mayor of Fairfield Bay in the upcoming election. The current mayor, Paul Wellenberger, announced last week seeking a second term.
The name of Smedley is well-known here in the Bay as many of his relatives reside here and in several other nearby communities, but little is known about Anthony Smedley. Some folks believe he moved here from Chicago a few years ago and settled in a double-wide set on Milkweed near his cousin Ernest Smedley, the infamous “Poop to Profits” guy.
Out of Bounds interviewed Mr. Smedley over a couple of beers at the VFW recently so as to inform this column’s many readers of what Smedley has to offer as our prospective mayor.
Listen in….. OOB: “Well, Mr. Smedley – or can I call you Anthony, what is your agenda for Fairfield Bay if you get elected?” AS: “Call me Tony. My first priority is to have Fairfield Bay enact a law making the Deer Season a year around deal with no permits or quotas needed and with no restriction as the type of weapons that can be used. We need to rid our community of these foul four-legged pests! If a FFB citizen feels a need to off a deer who is eating his flowers, all he has to do is pop a shell in his bazooka and fire away!”
OOB: “Wow! What about the more tender-hearted citizens who actually feed the deer? How are you going deal with them?” AS: “The new law would slap any fool feeding deer with a $10,000 fine and six months in he slammer. That’s the way to handle these PETA tree-huggers!”
OOB: “What else is on your platform, Tony?” AS: “Next, my administration would pass a law getting rid of designating this place as a Bird Sanctuary. We would also repeal the existing leash law that criminalizes our dogs and cats and their owners. If Ralph, my German Shepherd, needs to go out to do his business, I should be able to simply open the door and let hin out – no collar, no leash, no nothing to restrict his God given freedom! If my cat, Randy, decides to have a bird for his lunch, why not as he entitled as a free critter also!”
OOB: “What else do you have in mind for our city, Tony?” AS: “Another priority is to dump the DRY status of this town and make this place WET, which it is in reality. No more phony memberships needed to get a drink in this own. No more eighty mile trips for our thirsty citizens to buy booze by the bottle or case. We need to dump all these restrictive rules and regulations.”
OOB: “Anything else. Tony?” AS: “Oh yeah – and this is a biggy – FREE GOLF! With this in place, Fairfield Bay would grow like Vegas, causing house and lot prices to soar. People now living here in the Bay would then be able to sell so that they could go back to Iowa and live and die near their kids – which ain’t happening now. Longtime owners of worthless lots would recover the jillions they have paid in dues over the years. If you remember, FREE GOLF was the deal that the original developers used to draw people here – and they came in droves, buying up lots and building homes. We can make it happen again with FREE GOLF!”
OOB: “Mr. Smedley, do you have any experience as a politician or elected official?” AS: “I was a block captain in the first ward in Chicago with responsibility for ‘staffing’ various city operations in the ward.”
OOB: “One final question, Tony: Do you have any plans to hire any of your many relatives living here and nearby?” AS: “Good question. I’ll be looking for people I can trust and for those who can help me in my campaign, so it is possible that there will be some employee turnover. By the way, don’t forget our agreement for this interview – that you promised not to do a background check on me.”
OOB: “OK, I’ll stay with the deal. And thanks for the beers, Tony.”