OUT OF BOUNDS By Geary (Smedley) Leason

Name Change Mandated for Indian Hills

The Enforcement Division of the Department of Political Correctness issued a “cease and desist” order that the name of a certain facility here in the Bay be “changed herewith with the new name subject to the Department’s approval.” The facility in question is the Indian Hills Golf and Country Club.

The Dept. of Political Correctness, a new governmental bureaucracy with “cabinet” status, came into existence recently after months of exhaustive Congressional hearings that brought to Washington, D.C. each and every group and individual that had grievances over discriminatory language and titles that run rampant through our American culture. These grievances were not limited to one set of humans abusing another set – most typically through the use of epithets, slurs and nicknames – but were extended to non-human affronts. While there was the usual cast of grievance professionals, such as the ACLU, NAACP, GLBT, et al, there were many other voices heard from.

One such voice was the influential animal rights organization, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), who insisted that sports team no longer be allowed to use names belonging to the animal kingdom, such as “Bears,” “Cubs,” “Tigers,” “Marlins,” “Carps,” Ducks,” etc.. Similarly, another voice heard in the non-human category was the Audubon Society making a strong case against the appropriation of bird names such as “Cardinals.” “Hawks,” “Eagles,” and many others. The Citizens for Vegan Life likewise established that plant life names be also be protected from name abuse often found in team nicknames such as “Cornhuskers,” “Lillys,” “Roses,” “Maple Leafs,” “Artichokes” “Poison Ivy” and so on. Other groups gaining the attention of the congressmen were The Friends of Insects fighting against name appropriation of “Butterflies,” “Hornets,” “Slugs,” “Bees,” and of other many insects.

These hearings were the basis for recently enacted legislation creating the Dept. of Political Correctness (DPC), with its mission statement declaring, “that the use of any word that conveys disrespect to a group of people, or animals, or insects, or sea life, or plants, – is prima facie evidence of a violation. It is not necessary for any person, animal, insect, creature in the sea or plant to testify or offer proof that they have been offended by someone using a word that belongs to them.”

The appeal that overwhelmingly convinced the D.C. legislators to pass this pervasive legislation, was the testimony given by Raul Smedley, Prof. Emeritus of the famed Touchy-Feely Institute and author of the best selling tome “All Living Things Have Emotions and Souls.”

Reading from his testimony, Smedley said, “How would you like it if some school or professional sports team took your name, for argument’s sake Smedley, and then after a losing effort you hear the shouts, ‘The Smedleys stink!’ and then substitute any name – Indians, Saints, Cubs, Marlins, Daisies, Slugs, Bees – for Smedley and think how this same disparagement attaches to these entities, with no respect, no regard for their feelings and their personal dignity?”

There wasn’t a dry eye in the place after Prof. Smedley spoke. The law establishing the Dept. of Political Correctness passed unanimously!

The order against the FFB Community Club and the City of FFB issued by Commissioner Myron Hottotrot was in response to a complaint from two civil rights organizations, American Indians Wanting their Land and Names Back and the India Indians Living in the USA. These two groups, along with Bob Costa, were involved in the recent Washington Redskins name controversy, which resulted in their name being changed to “the Fumblers” – providing the DPC approves of this change.

Similarly, the Chicago Bears, another NFL team will soon be known as the “City Lightweights,” reflecting that the word “Chicago” is an Indian word for “onion” thus unacceptable under two outlawed categories, humans and plants; and the word “Bears” also outlawed under the animal clause.

Next Week: Facing the Challenge Ahead in Re-naming Indian Hills G & C.C.

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