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Out Of Bounds by Geary Leason

Civic-Minded Smedley Deals with Name Change

Reeling from the diktat issued last week by the newly created Federal Department of Political Correctness that the name used here in Fairfield Bay for its golf course and restaurant, Indian Hills, be immediately changed or otherwise face heavy and accumulating fines, the Community Club and the Fairfield Bay City Council, under the leadership of the identical twins Paul and Peter Knotsowellenberger, hired famed civil rights academic, Prof. Raul Smedley of the renown Touchy-Feely Institute to resolve this crisis.

As you may recall, Prof. Smedley was instrumental in structuring the new law establishing the DPC, persuading Congress with his definitive masterwork, “All Living Things Have Emotions and Souls.” Congress agreed with Prof. Smedley that in today’s enlightened and intolerance-free society, citizens should no longer be free to bandy about names that inflict emotional pain and words that disparage ANY living thing, be it human, animal, fish, insect, bird, plant, bacteria, or virus. Phrases such as “Indian-giver” or “Dutch treat” or “gyp” are off the table of acceptable usage. Appropriating another lifeform’s name for a team’s nickname is totally forbidden: no more Cubs (who cares, here) or Razorbacks (another “who cares” candidate) or Orioles, or Bees, et al. This name-stealing, insulting practice came to the forefront recently over the offensive nickname of the NFL football team, the Washington Redskins.

Prof. Smedley examined each word in the offending title: “Indian Hills Country Club” to arrive at his recommendation:

“Indian” – there was no permission given by any Indian tribes to use their word. A local tribe, the Ketchpaws, was willing to license the name but they wanted $50,000 per year for the privilege. Cross out Indian..

“Hills” – dead on two counts: one, people living in the nearby hills also did not give their permission to use their name or its variations such as Hillbillies or Hillwillies; and two, under the false description clause of the DPC, as Indian Hills is NOT hilly! Sloped, yes, but not hilly and the word “sloped”would open up another can of….. (can’t say worms) or a box of…(whoops, can’t say crackers)… of – whatever!

“Country” – also unacceptable under two clauses: one, the false description clause as the golf course is located within our city limits; and two, under the social superiority clause that this word smacks of being upperclass in our classless society.

“Club” – also ruled out under the snob clause as the word speaks of separation from other people, making them feel less worthy.

So, like the actual building itself, which may be coming down soon – unless some financial boondoggle saves it, the name, Indian Hills Country Club “ is kaput! according to Prof. Smedley.

However, Prof. Smedley, for a few extra few bucks, came up with a name for our golf course, which he guarantees will pass muster: He reasoned that since the golf course is a joint venture involving both the City of Fairfield Bay and the Community Club, the word “CitCom,” coupled with the benign words, golf and course, give us our new politically corrected name of CitCom Golf Course.

Not a bad deal for our community as Prof. Smedley’s cut-rate fee of $25,000 more than saved $100,000 that the DPC was ready to impose on us. Thank Smedley when you see him for his selfless devotion to our community.

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